October 2nd and it’s now November 22??????? WTF? Why haven’t I written? There have been many times when I’ve felt like it, but I never seem to make it to the computer to share my valuable (and not so valuable) thoughts with y’all. I could try to analyze this but you know what? Who cares? Does anyone you know care? Hell, even they don’t even care. My life sucks, my attitude sucks, my sucking sucks, and I’m tired of Chinese people.
I think it’s always good to get out of town a year before your “due date”. Looks like I’ve blown it again. The train left and I wasn’t on it. I am actually starting to hate my life and the only one I have to blame is me. I guess I can point a finger or two at Shujie, but when all is said and done, the culprit is me.
I hate my job and hate just isn’t quite strong enough a word. Opening a school was one dumbass idea. I’m pleasant and friendly and I’ve gotten Shujie to come in and teach with me, with some of the younger kids. The parents don’t like that. They’re paying “big bucks” for the foreigner and that’s the important thing. It’s not what they learn but if they have a foreign teacher.
I like most of the kids; I just don’t want to be their teacher. They’re too young. I have no discipline (it’s not my strong suit) so having her in class helps and they like her. But to hell with the kids, lets make the parents happy. Some of them are nice people but clueless.
I’m tired of people coming in to “check you out”. That would be fine except they know before they come that they’re not paying the money. The occasional one tells the truth (it’s too expensive) and that’s fine. And then there are those who say, “my daughter says it’s too expensive”. This is coming from a mother who is sending her daughter to Toronto for high school and University. Did I miss something? Am I not from Toronto? What do they want? They want FREE but guess what stupid, it’s not free. It’s better you spend thousands and thousands of dollars on your kid whose English is lacking than spend a couple of thousand dollars learning English and culture from someone from there.
Some come to see you for an “interview” to see if the kid likes me. Guess what, I know what I sound like here, but fuck them all, the kids like me. They tell Shujie, “we’ll call you” but leave out the part that goes, “when pigs fly”. Why is lying the national hobby here? (That was a rhetorical question). What’s wrong with saying, “you’re too expensive” or “we can’t afford you”. That is a reasonable excuse. I am so sick of them of the liars.
Shujie (the marketing director) is useless. She assured me that this would be no problem. I think I mentioned this but her idea of marketing is to sit in her friend’s tea shoppe hanging out. Almost every day. We really can’t discuss this because it will lead to a fight and she’s basically happy here with her mother and her best friend. I sit in the apartment most of the time because I have no friends here and no desire to learn Chinese. I don’t think I like Chinese people. They’re loud. Too loud. There are some nice ones who are kind and honest, but I would say more than 50% of them closely resemble the scum that rings the bathtub.
Do I sound bitter? I think so. I hate it here, I hate that at 60 I’m ‘over the hill’ and can’t really get a job. I went to a primary school last week to talk about a job (they need a good foreigner) but I only want to work mornings. They are going to check out what they can do. They asked me to do a short demo with Grade 6 students and it went very well. I can do that demo blindfolded. Kids like me. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m nicer than I think I am. Life is a circle of mysteries.
We are waiting to hear back from them. I think they won’t be able to beat the age thing (and I think if you really want to you can), or they won’t cough up the money, or any other excuse. I’m not going to them begging for a job, I’m just looking for something to do. I mean, who really wants classes of 63 students? You do? Then please, come here.
Maybe we’ll hear the no tomorrow (Monday) or maybe they will never call back because they are Chinese and the best way to say “no” is to ignore someone.
I am looking online for jobs and have my standards dropped. One was in Costa Rica (I’ve made it to the 2nd round) and it pays $600 a month. As my friend Jan says (and she’s right), money isn’t everything. I’ve also made the 2nd round in India. Yes India! A country I’ve never wanted to visit and just the thought of it makes me want to gag. Billions of people love Indian food. Not me who doesn’t like anything. But I’d go. I need to do something and I enjoy entertaining (and sometimes teaching) classes. However, the shoe would then move to the other foot. What about Shujie? Not only is she jobless, but she can’t talk to anyone in Chinese. Well, no one has offered me a job yet so we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. But India???? That rings of desperation to me.
The weather is starting to get cold here. These are Celsius but this week the high is supposed to be below zero. That’s to ensure that except for my 45 second walk outside to our “school”, I’m going nowhere. I guess I’m a real “Nowhere Man”.
I try to think of what I can do to end this endless cycle of depression but I don’t know. I’d like to teach University but I’m too old. I’m not really old, in fact I’m much younger than many “younger” teachers. So what. It’s the number on your passport where it says, “birthdate”, that counts. I really have no ideas. Having my own school with just a few customers who are primary students doesn’t exactly float my boat. If I was making money hands over fist I think I could live with it. But this is one cheap, lying town full of bags of shit. (I have to stop being so nice). You might think that me writing things like that gives people the wrong idea, but I am so nice in front of other people. I just don’t work for free. No one does. However, these ridiculous excuses for people seem to expect that. I have to vent at times.
I hate my life at the moment. However, tomorrow is another day. We are going to Texas and Florida in February to visit my youngest and my granddaughter in Austin, and then to Florida to see my mom. I can’t wait to eat something different. Oh, and I want to see these people too.
Que Sera Sera. I keep saying that to myself. It doesn’t help but so what. Nothing helps. I am just sinking deeper into a funk and that’s not good. But what choice do I have and I just keep plugging away waiting for the tide to change. It has to, doesn’t it?